


Fruitloop

by A_Rabid_Fan



Category: One Piece
Genre: A lot of cursing, Canon-Typical Violence, Crazy, Dimension Travel, Isekai, Like A Lot A Lot, MC can only say two words and one of them is fuck, Narcissism, POV Female Character, Self-Indulgent, Self-Insert, Swearing, Unreliable Narrator, just a little off her rocker
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-18 16:49:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28995513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Rabid_Fan/pseuds/A_Rabid_Fan
Summary: ERROR 404.Make-believe worlds are supposed to remain make-believe. Not become real.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 22





	1. Sad to say but you are now dead

Death. 

Many have tried to hide from it while others run straight into its arms. People spend billions on the search for immortality. Creams, drinks, food, medicine, plastic surgery all used to make you younger. 

But, no matter what, you can’t hide from death.

It gets us all, eventually.

Death has always been a fascinating concept for human beings. What happened when you're dying? Where do you go when you're dead? Is there another great adventure after death? Or just silent nothingness? Reincarnation or an eternal heaven? 

Well, I can answer the question. 

Maybe its just different for me - maybe what happens after death is different for each person. But for me, after I stupidly drank a little too much and may have had a slightly, sorta, kinda overdosed on some of my sleeping pills, Death resulted in me passing away in my slumber and waking up in a bright, white space with the searing taste of bile in the back of my throat.

Not exactly what I expected.

You probably weren’t expecting that either.

The space was clear, not any one colour or tone but just a thing of nothingness. There was no way to really describe it, just thinking about what it was hurt my head. So for the sake of my fragile and confused mindset, I referred to it as being white. 

And so white it was. 

The place was like a vacuum, I was talking, mumbling really, yet I couldn't hear myself. I felt no air passing from my lips, heard no noises other than the steady strum of silence. A deafening sound, though not a sound. 

It scared me.

Never had I ever felt so alone, never so isolated. Think about it; even late at night or in the middle of nowhere, there’s always some form of sound. It might just be the wind, or the crinkling of clothes and sheets, maybe the drone of voices mingling or the distant sound of traffic. But never was it truly silent. You could always count on your own voice if things got bad. 

But here, no noise escaped. Just pure and utter silence. Screaming didn't help. Crying didn't help. Hysterical laughing — not an effect.

This place was hell. 

And so, several hours or days or maybe just seconds later, I curled up on what I called the floor though it could've easily been the ceiling as well. Or nothing. Or both. Rocking back and forth on my empty space, eyes sore and tired from crying, rimmed with red. 

I probably looked horrendous. 

I faintly recall someone important telling me I looked really, really bad after crying. A faint smile, a wisp of a memory brushed my mind before escaping like smoke. I didn't know anything — this place was sucking my mind out through a straw, replacing it with an empty canvas. Years ago, or maybe was it just a couple of minutes ago, I had passed away, my life fresh in my mind. Now I found myself forgetting. 

Everything. 

My name was nothing, my memories dying. Once in a while, an emotion struck me, sheer happiness or desolate joy before it was ripped away. Like a bandaid from skin, a wax strip from hair. Everything was going, flying away from me like dust on the wind. Everything but the fact that this place was white (or was it black?); a desperate need, a soul tearing desire to get away from here; and the fact that I was kinda, sorta, maybe going a little crazy. 

Just a little. 

I swear.

But it was easy to go mad here. Over here nothing made sense — yet at the same time everything did. Did it? It was times like these that I wonder if I had dreamed everything up. 

My past life, I mean. 

Before now. 

Or maybe I was dreaming this up? But then why was I still here? Shouldn't I have already woken up? Anger and confusion coursed through my body as I grasped my hair, pulling out strands of multicoloured hair, the lack of pain further agitating me. I stared, confused, at the thin and thick pieces of red, orange, yellow and blue. Wasn't this once just brown? Wait - what was brown again? I blinked, shaking my head viciously, before staring back at the white strands of hair lining my hands. A faint thought snagged my mind, as a worrying feeling that something was incredibly wrong crept into my mind. Something was happening. And whatever it was - I didn't like it. 

I stood up, pacing back and forth in mid-air. I hopped for a while, cartwheeling over the sky before coming back to rest on my spot. Confusion raged through my mind. Something was changing. I sighed, the soft sound breaking the silence.

...

Sound? I paused — not truly believing what had happened. Had I imagined it? It wouldn't have been the first time, but I couldn't even dream of sound now. Not anymore. Not now when, sometimes, even my thoughts were too loud. Not that I had that many anymore. I paused. 

Should I try saying something? 

I couldn't really remember how to speak anymore. I massaged my throat, fingernails digging into the pale skin. Slowly building up courage I opened my mouth, attempting to get those stagnant muscles working again. 

“ “  
Nothing emerged, the heavy silence even louder now. I paused, hope dying as I wondered if I had dreamed the noise again. Eyes staring desolately into the close distance, I attempted one more time. Just one more time, then I’ll stop. I slowly opened my mouth, a fiery ball of hope burning in my stomach. Words, thoughts, ideas formed slowly in my mind, before the words I wished to say rolled down and off my tongue. 

“h-hello?”

I flinched backwards, as if I could attempt to avoid the sound. The noise hurt. It hurt so badly. Pain lanced through my mind as my ears worked for the first time in centuries. Or was it only a few hours? My voice was cracked with disuse, husky and so obviously broken from the silent screaming I had done when I had first arrived. Tears streamed down my face, the first in a while, as I clawed my hands down my neck. 

It was noise! 

Joy flooded my mind as I collapsed in a heap. Heavy gasping emerged from my mouth, the broken noise never sounding so beautiful. I cried and laughed and cried. The harsh sounds hurt my ears but I couldn’t be bothered to care. Laughter rolled from my mouth, the keening sound spiralling into the ground, or was it the sky? Pure happiness caressed my soul. 

I could hear - and for the first time since I was dropped here, utter elation filled my being. 

“Oh thank god, oh thank god ohthankgodthankgodohthankgod.” I mumbled, the sound slipping over me. “Thank You for this.” I looked towards the distance, clutching my hands together. I knew, logically, I shouldn’t be thanking whoever, whatever brought me here. But I was just too happy, so happy to be able to hear that I couldn’t bring myself to hate them. To hate it. 

Stupid me. 

I should’ve cursed it, damned it to the end of the world and back. Prevented it from doing anything else, prevented it from messing with me any further. Stupid, stupid me. I should’ve learned, should’ve realised that I was nothing but a toy to it. For the white space was disappearing. 

slow l y 

d e c o n s t r u c t i n g 

i n to a bLAck. h. olE, the edges a blurred mash of pixelated shades.

And I just couldn’t run away.


	2. Sammy: our one true lord and saviour

The first thing I saw outside the Blank Space was a beautiful blue. It glistened and sparkled in the late summer light, the shine near blinding me. I would've appreciated the view even more if I wasn't falling towards it at a scarily fast rate. 

Yes, the hole has decided to drop me into the middle of the sky. 

Unfortunately, gravity was working.

Shit.

I wasn't exactly sure what to do, it had been a while since I was in a situation where I could die. Again. And my brain, being the majestic thing that it is, had decided to shut down in the face of mortal danger. It took a couple seconds before the fact that the blue thing was probably the sea, or a really large lake, and that was where I was falling to. Wasn't water as hard as cement if you fell into it at this height? Shit. Now what would be the normal, logical and hopefully life-saving reaction to such an occurrence? What would normal people do? It took another couple of seconds before the brief thought that, yes, I probably should be panicking crossed my mind.

"OH BLOODY HELL WHY DOES SHIT ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME" I screamed, while attempting to flap my arms. Maybe I'll happen to suddenly grow wings? It wouldn't be the weirdest thing that had happened to me.

"GOD DAMM IT EVIL TH-" I yelped, flailing in mid air before smashing face first into the deep blue water.

The water rushed into my nostrils, the frighteningly cold liquid seeping into my mouth and informing me that I probably was in the sea, or a salt-water lake. Could lakes be salt-water? I opened my eyes, squinting in the murky water as the salt scorched my eyes. Not that I could feel it. I swam to the surface, gasping as I broke into fresh air. I cautiously placed my hand on my face, inspecting the damage. Blood leaked from a cut on my forehead, and my nose was most likely broken, but my face wasn't pulverised and I hadn't died again. 

Perhaps death had made me stronger than I was before? 

Could I even die?

I stared at the horizon hoping, praying, that there would be an island, or a boat or even just a plank of wood in the distance. 

Nope. 

Nada. 

Nothing. 

Just me and the big blue sea, water stretching as far as the eye could see. I swam a little before turning as a flash of colour caught my attention. Perhaps it was a life buoy? A girl could dream. Despair crashed into me as I realised that, nope it wasn't a buoy. Instead a neon pink banana shaped thing with white swirls bobbed on the water, half submerged under the liquid.

What?

I blinked, worried that maybe my fall had knocked up my head even further. Closing my eyes, I shook my head, sending sprays of water into the air, before opening them again. The thing was still there. I stared at it, and I swear, it stared back at me. Can I say it again, what? I poked it with a finger, hoping that it wasn't poisonous to touch. It had bumpy hard skin similar to a pineapple or something. It looked edible, some sort of plant or fruit, but no way was I eating it. For all I know, it really could be poisonous and I highly doubt that I would be 'saved' from dying again. 

Which reminded me — where the fuck was I? I got the Blank Space, maybe it was my form of Hell or maybe I was in limbo. Maybe they forgot about me. Maybe I was about to be bestowed a system and sent on an adventure lasting three novels. But this place did not make sense. I was pretty sure this wasn't a dream, I hadn't slept since dying. But then what was it? Reincarnation meant the loss of memories, and while I did lose most of them, I hadn't lost them all. And I was pretty damn sure you were reborn as a baby. Not a teen. So what was this?

Confusion angered me, I always had to know everything even as a child. Not knowing everything irritated me the most. So this puzzle was exasperating. 

So I pushed it out of my mind, determined not to think about it until I was safe. 

Chances were that I was an anomaly and not meant to be released. If so - then I won't worry about it. And I won't bring attention to myself. Because I could not, would not return to the Blank Space, the White Space. Here it was loud, here it hurt cause of all the colours, all the textures and all the noises. I had a migraine, I felt a dull thrum in my head despite the fact that I couldn't feel pain. (Why hadn’t the fall hurt? Why?) But here was familiar, here was life. Here I could use all my five senses, I could smell, hear, perhaps I could even eat and sleep again! I could not return.

I would not return.

And if death meant returning then I would simply not die. Not again. Not ever.

Mind made up, I decided to look for shelter or some form of land before I drowned. That and my fingers were turning into prunes. Which I hated. I grasped the banana thing, stuffing it into the waist band of my bland white shorts. I decided to head away from the sun and resolutely started swimming.

—— 

I panted, struggling onto the sand. My fingers clutched the grains, the small flecks bonded together like mud, as I pulled myself onto the shore. It was the first piece of land I had seen all day, the first sign that this place wasn't just an eternal ocean. 

I lay there for a while, muscles sore and tired, trembling from the brutal exercise I had committed. It had been a while since I had done such a strenuous exercise and it showed (though I couldn’t do that before. Not swimming for hours on hours on hours. Was I even human any more? What was I?) Panting, I pulled myself up so I would be sitting. 

I peered around myself hoping to see what my new home, for now at least, would look like. It was a disgrace. A small isle of sand with, I kid you not, a single palm tree. If you were to google ‘deserted island’ my island would be the stupid cartoon one. Now all it needed was a skeleton, which I might soon provide, and a treasure map. I huffed, leaning against the palm tree, before taking out Sammy the Bananathingy. I needed a friend, and Sammy had become the best one out there. He was quiet, a good listener, and could provide an emergency food source if needed. Provided you don’t mind dying later if he’s poisonous. I carefully placed him next to me before looking up to the sky. The coconut tree had only a few coconuts, around eight or so, and they all looked rather small. 

Pretty pathetic. 

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to risk swimming again, next time I might not be as lucky and not find an island or land. Not to mention, there might be some sharks or venomous jellyfish or evil plankton which would try to kill me. And I’d rather not be a source of food despite what you might think. And since this is some form of land, ships or airplanes could pass by. Not that I had seen any since arriving but, hopefully, there are still humans existing. It would suck if I was the last human on earth and everyone else was zombies or died cause of some disease. 

I sighed yet again, before deciding to ask Sammy for his excellent wisdom. 

“Yo Sammy the Banana-thingy. What do you think I should do?”

“Hmm that would make sense but what if no one came?”

“Do you see sticks here to make the S.O.S sign?”

“Yah the palm tree fronds could work but doesn’t the tree need those to photosynthesise. You know to make energy and grow more coconuts so I won’t starve?”

“No I wouldn’t eat you…at least not until I’m starving”

“Don’t look at me like that, you would do the same if you had a mouth!”

“Sooo sorry, gosh you act as if I killed your grandma.”

“Oh shut up, at least I had a good grandma. What are you? Some weird child of a banana and a strawberry?”

“You know what I don’t even know why I call you my friend. You suck. And your wisdom sucks too.”

“Staying here was my plan first by the way. Not yours. And just so you’re aware, I’m eating you after I eat the coconuts. You better not poison me or I’ll haunt your soul for the rest of your experience in weird banana heaven.”

——

I huffed, crossing my arms before sighing yet again. I was bored. Oh so bored. Now that I was somewhat out of danger, and not terrified out of my wits in the Blank Space, boredom threatened to kill me. Not to mention, I was down to the last coconut. I had named her Mary, which I knew I shouldn’t of cause now I’ll feel guilty eating her, but I needed a girl. There’s only so much male communication one could take before they went bonkers.

“Hey Mary, I really hope someone comes by soon. I’d feel pretty bad eating you.” 

“Yah but I don’t want to die. And I’m really really hungry, its only thanks to your other mates that I haven’t died of dehydration but I’m still hungry.”

“I should eat Sammy instead? But I like him, he's funny!”

“Who do I like better…uhhh you?”

“What do you mean I said that like I wasn’t sure! I mean it. Mary you’re my bestie not Sammy.”

“I don’t want to eat Sammy right now though. You know you should be really happy that he’s not on this side of here right now. He would get so pissed if he heard you.”

“…fine I’ll eat him. I just want you to know that if I die, I’m blaming you. And I was forced into this, peer pressure and what not.” 

I quietly got up, feeling rather guilty. Sending a stink eye towards Mary I slowly clambered towards Sammy. He sat by the shore, the end of his stem dipping into the wet sand. 

“Hey Sammy. I just want to let you know that this hurts me more than it hurts you and that despite your diabolical plans to rule the universe, I love you.” 

“Yup, it's what you think it's about. Your repayment for me carting you over here. I know it hurts, I know it sucks but I need food to keep me running.”

“What! You’re lucky I didn’t eat you first!”

I paused, remorse embedding my soul.

“Sammy you were an epic friend. Unfortunately it's time for you to go. I’ll see you in Banana heaven.”

I grabbed the banana-thingy, before removing the peel and biting into its rather scarily purple flesh. Instantly I felt like barfing. It was putrid. I had a feeling this was Sammy’s revenge. I stared at the fruit before biting into it again. It was gross, I really didn’t want to eat it despite my hunger, but I couldn’t waste Sammy’s life by throwing the food away. So I bit into it again, and felt my stomach rolling as the food entered it. My face turned white then green as goosebumps rose. The fruit tasted of spice and metal and plastic, with a hint of lemon and, for some really odd reason, chicken. Finishing it up, including the peel, I groaned. Sammy’s sacrifice would be remembered. 

As would the disgusting taste. 

—— 

Several days had passed since Sammy's and then Mary's demise and I was hungry yet again. The coconut tree hadn't given birth, and the tiny shoots that were sprouting up were, unfortunately, not edible. I was starting to think that I should’ve swam, should’ve moved earlier. Now I was too tired, and for some odd and scary reason, I couldn’t swim. I don’t know why but after touching water I felt incredibly weak. It was as if all the bones in my body had turned to jelly, and all my willpower was being sapped. It was as if I had returned to the White Space, to the Blank Space and that terrified me more than anything. 

So I avoided the water like it was acid, and wondered if this was Sammy’s actual revenge. I made him pay for the swimming fees to land, so he removed my ability to swim. It didn’t seem that farfetched and was the only thing that made sense. I highly doubt that I would contract an allergy to swimming in only a few hours. So here I was, lying in the shade of my palm tree frond shelter and hoping for someone to pass by. 

Cause otherwise I was screwed.

However the horizon remained desolately empty, the sky an empty vault and, obviously, a severe lack of cars. I was dehydrated, my lips chapped and bleeding and my hair a tangled mess of dirt and grossness and yuck. My stomach was starving and I honestly felt that it was starting to eat itself. I had no energy anymore, and I was pretty darn sure that I would die very very soon. At least the island would finally have its skeleton. I had a major migraine, the sky swam in my head and, every once in a while, I could swear that I saw Sammy and Merry laughing at me. 

It sucked. It sucked so badly.

And it was due to the above reasons that when a shape did appear on the horizon I assumed it to be a mirage. Even when the brown mass, which looked remarkably like a ship, landed next to my island, and a bunch of people ran out, obviously panicking, to grab me and load me onto said ship, that I still thought it was a mirage. Or a dream. A illusion I had created before I died again. It was not until someone stabbed a needle into my wrist, and injected anaesthesia into the IV bag that I thought that, perhaps, this might be real. 

But by then, I was already asleep.


	3. PJ and Butter

I woke up to the sound of someone barfing. Which, unsurprisingly, was not a great sound to wake up to. Due to the fact that I was rather grumpy, had a mild headache, and that I still was trying to get use to the fact that, no, I hadn’t died and somehow I had, instead, wound up on a ship (if the rocking and scent of salt and bile was anything to go by). I resolutely decided to continue on pretending that I was asleep. And so I shut my eyes even tighter, and tried to calm my breathing. 

Key word: tried. 

Unfortunately the rocking only seemed to get louder, the barfing closer, and the distant sound of steel on steel even harsher. Which also, unsurprisingly, made it terribly hard to sleep. So it was with utter frustration that I rushed out of my bed, ready to stab, mutilate and destroy the next person I saw. 

But the painful jab of a needle, previously embedded in my skin, now ripped out, jolted me out of my fury. “Ugh” I yelped, glaring at the now bleeding rip on my hand. Chances were, with my luck, that it’d scar. Or something.

A pathetic mewl sounded in front of me as a small boy’s eyes popped out of his head. 

What. 

What the fuck. 

What the actual fuckity fuck. 

This kid had bright orange hair and his eyes were popping! Out! Of his head! What was this? An anime? Some manga physics which allowed him to still see but eloquently express his surprise??

“Sup my dude” I waved, deciding to roll with it. 

He was kneeling next to a pile of vomit, an icky green which reminded me distinctly of pea soup. He wore a rather tacky white shirt with kanji on the sleeves, a blue handkerchief which reminded me of a boy scout, and dark blue pants. All in all not very impressive. Plus blue and orange? Major fashion disaster. Yikes guess we better boycott the boy-scout, eh? 

I laughed at my own joke, raising a hand to wipe the tears out of my eyes. This, for some reason seemed to freak out the little dude, if the trembling eyes seemed to mean what I thought it meant. Though I could be wrong, who knew? 

“Aight let’s get down to it my orange blueberry!” Slapping my hands together and then sinisterly rubbing them, I let out a small cackle. “Who the fuck are you, why do I hear the soundtrack of a bad samurai movie in the background, and where is my baby-giver tree?” 

For some reason, this seemed to scare him a little bit more. Just a tad. Hardly noteworthy - honestly. 

I stared at him judgementally. Raised an eyebrow. Raised it higher, higher. Raised the other one too, why not, might make him spill the tea. Mmm tea. What I would give to have some raspberry tea right now. Or a solid English Brekkie with a splash of milk. I had a yellow mug when I was alive that could fit two cups of tea in it. But it was too big to balance a cookie so they always got soggy and dropped in and I’d have crumby tea which was nasty but I made do. 

“-iss! Miss!” 

Oops guess I zoned out. 

“Soz my little tangerine, state your creed again.” I beckoned, putting a hand under my chin.

“…what” he stared at me, too confused to be scared.

“Ahh you normie jeez, just say what you were talking about before!” 

“…my name is Hideo and I am a Chore Boy for the 16th Branch here. We rescued you while sailing to meet our Captain but are currently being attacked by some filthy pirates. I was sent here to protect you miss!” Jumping up to his feet, he grabbed a mop and attempted to look strong..ish. “I’m not sure what you mean by the.. tree… however we made sure to check if you had any belongings nearby!”

“And?”

“And you didn’t have any?” 

“No you fool, I mean how are you going to protect me! When you tc’d upon arrival?”

“TC?”

“Tactical chunder? Threw up? God did you even have a party life? Wait what’s the drinking age here? Please tell me it's not 18 or gasp 21, I need the sweet sweet embrace of a solid gin tonic right now to aid in keeping me alive.”

This, for some reason, did not seem to comfort him much. Alright. I can work with this. Yes sir, mama didn’t raise no coward and any pirates are gonna face the wrath of me! With the spirits of Sammy (traitor) and Mary, I got this! 

Revving myself up, I leaped forward to the door - pirouetting over the pile of puke - and!

Locked it. 

“Aight son, we’re safe now, mwhahhahah!” I declared, hands on my hips with a ten out of ten All Might smile. 

Orange-boi deadpanned, a look on his face that seemed to read ‘why did we save this girl and waste our precious resources.’ Though it could’ve also meant ‘oh wow she’s so cool man am I lucky to be in her exalted presence oh she’s my new god.’ Yeah, that seemed more on point. 

“Alright so where are we right now my Orange gummy worm?” 

“The medic bay?”

“Yes, that I can see, thanks for saving me by the way but no. I meant where are we on the planet?” I’d only heard of pirates in Somali or in solid A-plus Disney movies. Now unless I had transmigrated into Pirates of the Caribbean (which high-key doubt, Orange’s outfit was too clean and white for that), I was somewhere where they decided to give chore boys bright white outfits. Unpractical as fuck. So some rich cruise boat?

“We’re currently in the East Blue, we’re heading back to base but are planning on dropping you off at the next islan-”

Nani? Say what now? Yeast Blue? Where the hell was that? 

Wait. 

Wait I’ve heard of that before! 

Bread!

We must be in a land where bakers reign supreme and so they decided to name the lands after baking goods! But why blue, nobody eats blue bread. Blue pastries. Blue croissants. Blue cookies. Blue pancakes- Percy Jackson! Oh! Yes! Epiphany! 

Percy Jackson is the God of this planet and thus Yeast Blue came into being!

I patted myself on the back, proud of being so smart. Who’s a good girl? Me. I’m a good girl. 

And then I promptly lose my shit. 

Why the hell was my hair white. Oh shit. Where did my gorgeous locks of brown go, the colour of dirt after someone spilt their diet Pepsi on it? Where?

“Hideo! Did you dye my hair?” I screeched, grasping his face between my hands. Oo soft cheeks. No! Focus! “This is assault! Bad!”

“Uh” he mumbled, face turning apple-red, “your hair was always white, ma’am.” 

Okay then. This could be explained. I am a ghost. But I could touch people? So not a ghost. Okay I suffered pain- Kaneki! I am a ghoul? No orange-boi doesn’t seem tasty. Aight, backtrack, backtrack. Suffered pain. Ahhh Blank Space must’ve leeched my hair colour. This was a thing, a medical thing. Yes. Okay I’ve googled this, starts with an M. Mary? Marie! Marie Antoin-something syndrome! Oh wow. Blank Space really must’ve fucked me up if the stress caused all my hair to turn white like our mad lad Ken Kaneki. Yay, alliteration. 

“Ma’am c-could you please let go of my face? A-and tell me your name and why you were on that island?” Orange-McOrange stuttered. 

“Ah yes my good sir, you see, my name is-” wait what was my name… Katie? No that’s not right? Karen? Ew nope. Ka..ka? Kakashi! No that still didn't sound right though I did have the epic hair. 

Wow am I hopeless. 

I know some random manga character’s name yet I can’t even remember my name? 

“Uh my name is K! Yep that is my name. The one mummy-dearest gave me. 100% that’s it, yes sir!” Man am I good at lying! And its a pretty damn cool name too if I do say so myself.

“And I got lost and fell into the ocean then swam and ended up on that island for sooooooooo long and my friends died - rest in peace (pieces ehehe) Sammy and Mary - but then y’all came riding by and saved me! So a happy ever after and all is good!” 

It was of course then that someone rather rudely decided to slam into the door. Breaking it down. Which okay, didn’t realise we had muscle-men on board but okay then. 

He was a solid guy, with a massive scruffy beard and missing a few teeth. A face you’d forget in a sec. Total cannon-fodder. 

Cannon-fodder waving a gun. 

An old gun but a gun. 

A gun (did I mention it was a gun?) that he decided he’d shoot. 

A gun which had a bullet in it.

A bullet which was now in me.

yeet. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my first real chap since 2015 woot for major procrastination!


	4. Epic Battles of Epicness, Part 1

My decision two chapters ago to never die seemed a little bit like a joke. What was the point of deciding such when I was to die a mere 5000 or so words in? On the fourth chapter? How could this be?

Death wasn’t a pretty look. 

Neither was breaking the fourth wall. 

So, aight, let's get back to the scene. 

On the left side of the ring stood Cannon-Fodderrrrrr A! Known for his expert skill of shooting innocent maidens whilst breaking into their rooms and for his horrific oral care, let's give it up for A! And on the right; the one, the only, the supreme Madammmm K! With gorgeous locks of white - like snow falling on a sunny day, like vanilla ice cream, like white paint - and with a majestically beautiful appearance (hopefully, I still needed to check a mirror) stood the goddess herself! Well squatted. For she had been harmed, in a bout of very unfair play, by A! 

…

Okay. K get your shit together.

Let’s see. 

Break it down logically. You got this hun. Numero Uno: I had been shot. Numéro Deux: I was not in pain. Dì Sān: the bullet was on the ground, coated in blood, which was a very pretty bright red. Number four (I ran out of languages, sue me bitch): A was tots surprised. 

Now, to be fair, if you witnessed someone being shot yet they ejected the bullet from their body in a similar way to how one pops a pimple, you’d be surprised too. But this was no ordinary zit, no way my good fellow. This was a massive fucker right smack-bam on the middle of your forehead. This was a raging red one, turning the slightest purple, with the grossest icky white-yellow core. This one had a solidified piece of gunk which shot out like lava from a volcano once you poked it with your fingers. Except the lava was the bullet, the zit remains were a hole in my body and said bullet was on the floor.

But only because the bullet had passed through a body.

The body of A that is. 

Apparently bullets now bounce? Yeah, bounce. They now bounce off of me. Not in a fun way though, more in a lets-remove-all-your-skin-and-get-you-bleeding-before-scooting-off-in-the-opposite-direction-as-fast-as-possible way. Which was a mouthful but the most truthful description of what had happened. 

Oh. 

Huh. 

Apparently, A is a lil dipshit and decided to expire after one (1!) measly bullet through the head. Jeez what a weak fellow. All that prepping, all the fight schemes flashing through my head, the increase in the music’s volume, the power-ups we were supposed to get as we battled it out; revealing our deepest secrets and our sad histories and this, this is what I get instead? A puny little bullet wiping out my first real enemy in the land of Yeast and the assorted bakery tools?? How could this be? Why was I denied such a right of passage, a way for me to become harder, better, faster, stronger? Fight scenes were supposed to last at least two episodes. Not two seconds. 

I demand a refund.

The smell of urine filled the air as the A’s muscles relaxed, unfortunately, also causing him to release his bowels. He must’ve been constipated before cause damn was that nasty. Also, wow, so the movies were right in saying that actually happened! I leaned forward, poking the dead dude’s cheek to see if I could feel the temperature drop. He was already paler than before and all his muscles had loosened, causing his jaw to drop. You could even see his pupils dilating! 

For some reason, my inspection seemed to freak L’Orange even more than an aggressive dude bursting through the door. 

So sue me. 

It was my first time seeing a dead body! And not being said dead body. Wonder if he went to the Blank Sp- no, no, moving on. No need to think about that. Nope. 

Slapping my cheeks, I stood up and poked my own hole (eheh). It was already healing over, slight steam rising from it like a Titan. The blood that surrounded the area squirmed around like ants on a biscuit, twirling around my index finger before becoming a rusty-red ring. Huh. That was new. A flex of my finger showed that it was pretty insistent on remaining there, looking very much like an ordinary piece of jewellery. Okayyy then. Maybe this was my Power Up™? Or was this normal here? I wasn’t exactly in Kansas anymore and I didn’t exactly have a Toto here.

I cast a quick glance at Orange-borange, was he Toto material? Not exactly a dog or dog-man? Dog-boy? Were they a thing? He fit it better than being a cat-boy but he didn’t exactly have a tail. Unless I sewed one onto him? 

Tapping my finger against my gorgeous chin, I turned towards Orange-Tots and declared; in an all-mighty voice, with great gravitas, for this was truly all-important and would change the fates, that:

“I’m hungry.” 

——

The kitchen was a gorgeous thing, filled to the brim with meat and crackers. Mmm crackers. Saltines. Raisin crackers. Plain crackers. Oooo the things you could put on them. I delicately placed a slice of cured ham on cracker one, topped it with cracker two and created… a cracker sandwich! The genius! The brilliance! The high level of IQ I do own!

Toto sat next to me, eating his own crackers rather sadly. Apparently watching a man die was not ‘fun’ and had caused him to puke the first time. Luckily, with my bravery and with the powers of threatened violence, he had courageously decided not to puke a second time. 

I guess it also helped that the fight had ended. Just a little though.

His other crew-members were ducking in and out, scuttling around to tie up those darn (shakes fist at the sky) pirates and helping to fix the damage. Toto hadn’t told anyone yet about my Powers so I guess they were normal here. Or he’d decided to wipe it out of his brain with high-quality holy bleach. Hmm. 

“-ei? Kei?”

MMm crackers. Oh blessed food. 

“KEI?”

Now why on God’s blue planet was Toto shaking me while shouting some rando’s name? Glancing around, I deduced with my expert skills that he was in fact talking to me. Not that the hand’s on my shoulder gave anything away, no it was indeed my epic Sherlock skills that revealed the truth. 

“Do you mean me, my sweet child?”

“…yes. Your name is Kei, right?”

I shook my head, sighing at the idiotic puppy. “No, its K.”

“Kei?”

“K.”

“Kay?”

“…K.”

“Kai?”

“How the hell did you get Kai from K?”

A sweatdrop trailed down his face, past those eery orange eyes. A sweatdrop. In real life. Oh how did I love anime physics. Now, the important question: could I produce the blessed sweat drop? The true anime-action, the epitome of anime-ness? 

“Kayn?”

Turns out I could. 

“…never mind. Yeah it’s Kei. What did you want, buckeroo?”

“Ah, uhm, so yes.” He paused, collecting himself. “It’s good to see that you’re… safe. As a civilian it our, the Marines, duty to protect you! We apologise for the disruption by those cursed sea roaches but are glad to state that the next island is within an hour’s travel.” 

Wow what unnecessary pride. Didn’t I do all the heavy lifting? Apart from the whole rescuing me from the dastardly island which dearly wanted its own skeleton. But not today! No, I was too skilled to become the bones it needed. Instead, I had escaped!

Wait what did he say? Marines? Ah so I was with the military. 

“Please do remember to remark to your closest Marine base how us, the 16th Branch, rescued you.” He continued, before taking out a sheet of paper. “Here is the feedback form, I’ve already filled the necessary details including my own aid in removing that Pirate obstacle.” 

Ahhhh. I see. You wish for the clout. Eh, take it you fake-Toto. However, no longer do you deserve that name, no, now you shall be the ‘loser orange!’ Take that!

I grabbed the paper, scanning the deets only to quickly realise that I, the prodigy that I am, could not read. This calls for only one reaction. 

“Aye waddup, I’m Jared, I’m 19 and I never fucking learned how to read~”

“I thought your name was Kei?” 

“Oh you poor unblessed soul. Uncultured swine.”

Bringing the pointer fingers of each hand to the side of my head, I condensed my zen. Mmmmmmm. Yesss. Meditate. Feel the Force. What is a language but words? And I know words. If I can speak, I can read. I think, therefore, I am. I speak, therefore, I read. Philosophy. Yessssss. Kant, Locke, Rawls, other old white men. Mmmmmmm. 

Opening my eyes, I gave the paper another scan. 

Huh.

That actually worked. Who would’ve thought? 

Alright, the date makes no sense - what on Earth is a Sea Circle Calendar? What did the 1523 mean? Okay there’s Hideo’s name, alright alright blah blah, ooooo they have a sort code, hmmm Captain’s name - Nezumi? Sounds like a fruitcake. Okayyy nothing interesting, really. Cool looking logo though - like a seagull stole a wrench from an angry mechanic before flying away in joy. Ehehhe. Somehow, slightly familiar. Hmmm. 

Hmmmmmmmm. 

Eh nothings popping into my head. Must not be important. 

“Alright Loser Orange, I got the memo. No worries for I shall make sure they give you a gold star for being so~ goood~ and protecting the innocent maiden that I am.” 

He just stared at me. “Alright, I’m just going to… go,” he replied flatly. 

Rude.

——

The ship docked in the harbour, dropping me off with nothing but the clothes on my back. You’d assume that if they wanted brownie points they’d at least give me a bag and some water but nope. Selfish AF. And here I thought that Loser Orange at least somewhat liked me - I did save him after all. But noooo apparently name-calling doesn’t help with making friends. Well the more you know. 

At least they’d given me the name of the village - Sheenotuki? Shimomokuki? Shimotsuki? And advice on what to do next. Which was (a) post the review, (b) get a job, and (c) don’t get stuck on another deserted island again. So easy peasy lemon squeezy! 

Alright, K, you got this! Woot! Motivation! Let's go kick some names and take ass! It’s the start of your great adventure - you’re gonna become ginormous. But not physically, hopefully. Just mentally! Emotionally! Famously! Fantabously! Is that even a word, who knows? But I got this! 

And so I promptly stepped off the dock and…. tripped over a pebble, landing on my face. 

Yes.

The perfect start. 

——

This is a public service announcement. For I, the Great K, have just spent the past few hours exploring this darn village and reached my conclusion. 

It is with great sadness that I must remark, to all my fans and followers, that I - your goddess - could only obtain two potential jobs. Apparently, I am not a great host (I only broke a few dishes though), nor can I cook (unless burnt is the new in?), and they were not looking for any ‘awesome people to sit there and motivate you plebs.’ Which would’ve been the perfect job for me, hence why I offered it but nope. For some reason, they were not willing to pay me for that. Yes, I don’t understand it either. 

So the two potential jobs. Now, this Shittytsuki Village was heavily into farming. They digged it (eheh). They loved it. They had lots of fields with stuff growing in it like rice and plants and green things. Now don’t get me wrong, farming is lit. I like food. So I’m hella appreciative of farming. But I don’t wanna do it. I was made for greater things than simply farming and, to fulfil my isekai dreams, I could not just become just a farmer. If I was a mage farmer then sure. If my plants could kill zombies then yes! But no, these were just the normal, garden-variety plants. Even Sammy was more interesting. Nor did I have a dimensional space to grow magical crops (trust me, I tried) and the crops I did touch didn’t suddenly ripen, or double in size, or become yummier. They were just crops. So my Powers™ obviously lead in another direction, one that I concluded to be just a tad more violent.

I mean I still had my blood ring which wasn’t. Doing. Anything. But it was still there so…. With the powers of deduction, I deduced that violence was probably my thing. 

Luckily, I was blessed by the heavens. For in this village there was a dojo which taught sword-stuff! Stuff like cutting people! Slicing! Stabbing! Other sword-like things you can do with a sharp blade! Oooooo disembowelling! YES. This was my future. I would become a sword genius; with one slash I would break apart a mountain. Another and I would cut the sea. A third - the sky! Mwhahahhah, all will fear me! The fabulous Kween K! Yes, this is the job I had decided on, the one the fates had decided on. 

I would learn the way of the sword!

….

..........

Alright. 

This was a mistake.

Why are there so many kids here? Why is the teacher a discount-Kabuto (okay it was just the glasses but still)? Why is he such a sexist piece of dumbfuckery who dared to sneer at my deep passion to be a badass? Why. Whyyyyy??????

I couldn’t even use a nice, sharp sword! 

Instead, I was stuck using a piece of wrapped straw (okay I know it has a name but nah man), practising the same katas over and over and over again next to ten-year-olds. And only because I had pleaded for three days for Koushirou-sensei to pretty, pretty please let me learn despite being so old and a foreigner and a girl. 

Yikes. 

This is major killing my vibes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> About the date: Sea Circle Calendar was used by Noland, where he attempted to bring the King to Jaya on November 15, 1127. This was apparently ~400 years ago, so I decided that the Current Storyline’s date was 1527. The start of Luffy’s journey is the year 1525 (two years ago from ‘Current Storyline’), just before Ace and his crew arrived at Onigashima (3 years ago, so 1524). Cocoyasi Village was taken over in 1517. Couldn’t find an exact time of how long Zoro had been a pirate hunter before Luffy but he was well known across all of East Blue and in the Grand Line (Baroque Works). So he must’ve been working for a while - so decided he was out and about for two years. Since he was 19 at debut, assumed he left at 17 (1523), similar to Luffy. So K has two years before Luffy heads out on his adventure. 
> 
> All dates are according to the One Piece fandom timeline.


End file.
